Types of Parenting

Psychologist John Gottman has identified some parenting styles in his research on families and the emotional climate of the home. While we all react differently at different times, you might see yourself more in one style than another.

The Dismissing Parent
Parenting styles are deeply influenced by the attitudes parents have about their own emotions. Emotion-dismissing parents often view their own emotions as voluntary, as something they choose to feel. These parents then view their child's emotions in the same light. When a child experiences a negative emotion, the solution seems simple: the child should simply decide to have a more positive emotion. In addition, emotion-dismissing adults tend to think of negative emotions as toxic, as if these feelings should be avoided. If a child experiences a negative emotion, they will do anything to move the child out of the negative emotional state, including distraction, tickling, eating, and so on.

Such parents are not insensitive to their children’s emotions. They see them happening and want to be helpful and protective, but they are not sure what to do. Because they are uncomfortable with their own emotions, they remain uncomfortable with their child's feelings. For them, dismissing the emotion, minimizing it by saying “it’s not that bad” or distracting the child with something new, may seem like the best option. The efforts of dismissing the child's emotional experiences may also result in dismissing the child. In addition, since children often model adult behavior and attitudes if the adult regards emotions as something to be moved out of the way, the child will likely follow suit.

The Disapproving Parent
Children have powerful emotional lives from a very early age and emotions are not simply a mode of thinking that can be switched on or off at will. This is because brains are ‘wired’ to experience emotions. Some of our emotional thinking even goes on unconsciously, influencing how we feel about people or leading us to make certain choices. All parents and caregivers have different attitudes about their emotions - especially their negative emotions like anger, fear, sadness, disgust, or contempt. Some adults may believe that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness or reveal bad character and are unproductive. These attitudes about emotions in general will influence how they treat their child's emotions. Disapproving parents tend to disregard or suppress their own emotions, and because of this they treat their children's feelings negatively.

The Permissive Parents
Those parents who have a carefree and an ‘anything goes’ attitude about emotion accept emotions as natural and normal. Rather than ignoring their child's feelings, or dismissing them, these parents view emotions as a normal part of life. They see emotion as a process that needs to run its natural course without much outside interference. These parents value being involved in their children's lives. They accept, love, and respect their children, and they encourage and honor their children’s emotional expressions. They know children flourish in an atmosphere of unconditional love. But they also fear that setting limits on a child's behavior might send the wrong message. However this style falls short of nurturing healthy emotional development because sometimes letting things run their course does not always produce the best results. Research suggests it's not enough to accept and value your child's emotions. In addition to being allowed to freely experience their emotions, children need to be encouraged to understand them as well. And this is precisely where this parenting style falls short. Children tend to lack the ability to calm down when they're angry, sad, or upset and find it more difficult to concentrate or learn new skills, social and educational.

TIP:
Emotions - including negative emotions - are healthy and natural, not problems to be fixed or avoided. As an adult the parenting style that best nurtures a child’s emotional development, begins with one word…empathy, i.e. understanding your child’s emotions. Help your child label her/his feelings, both negative and positive, and solve problems and guide the child and set limits on behavior.

Accepting, valuing, sharing and exploring emotions is not always easy. It is not automatic, like breathing or growing fingernails. We’re not necessarily born with the ability to do it. Instead, it might require effort and practice—but like any new skill, it can be learned.

Always remember to provide ample opportunities for your child to develop various skills and talents. By doing this you not only recognize the child as a competent person but also as somebody who knows how to achieve what s/he desires and yearns for. It also helps to remember that children need a sense of belonging to feel safe and secure. As parents one of the best gifts we can give to our children is the emotional and inner strength which are needed to cope with different situations of life. SOURCE: Gottman, John “Four Basic Parenting Styles.” 2005. (14 September, 2005)