Temper tantrums come in all kinds of sizes and shapes. They may take the face of crying, kicking, falling down, arched backs, screaming, stiffening limbs, stamping feet or simply running around wildly. In extreme cases, children may resort to damaging things around them, aggression, pounding their heads on the floor or holding their breath.

Children display two types of tantrums, each of which requires very different handling responses. During a ‘Distress’ tantrum, your child can't think or speak rationally because his upper brain functions are hijacked by primitive emotional systems in his/her lower brain. The little ‘Nero’ tantrum is very different from a distress tantrum as it is about the desire to control and manipulate. A child having a little Nero tantrum doesn't experience or show the anguish, desperation, and panic that characterises the distress tantrum, and he/she doesn't have stress chemicals flooding his/her brain and body.

Generally speaking though, every tantrum involves some degree of anger and frustration being exhibited through behaviour which is considered unusual, disorganized and mostly unacceptable.

Consider yourself. When you're in a situation which you're finding difficult to understand and subsequently respond to, don't you tend to become more reactive and edgy? Aren't we more likely to have a meltdown (adult term for 'tantrum'), when we are anxious, exhausted, highly strung or simply hungry? Children throw tantrums for similar reasons. Granted, some may be more likely to throw a tantrum due to temperament but overall, the likelihood of tantrums increases if children are tired, hungry, stressed, over stimulated or just placed in a situation they don't know how to respond to.

It is important to remember that tantrums may sometimes occur because children honestly don't understand what is expected of them in a given situation. A tantrum when the child knows what is expected versus a tantrum when the child does not know the expected behaviour should elicit different responses from adults.

Tantrums are a normal part of growing up. They can be minimized but probably not eliminated altogether from childhood. Having said that, let's not underestimate children's ability to work a situation in their favour. While the above reasons can increase the likelihood of a tantrum, anger outbursts are very often the outcome of children learning that such outbursts will get them what they want. For example, every time a child goes with the mother to the grocery store, he/she starts screaming for candy and the mother buys it to get him/her to stop embarrassing her. The child learns that his/her screaming will get him/her candy. Of course the child is now more likely to throw a screaming tantrum every time he/she wants something at the grocery store! Let's not forget that children are evolving to become smarter with each generation.

Ever wondered why tantrums are more common between the ages of one and four years as compared to later on? Simply because so many tantrums are the outcome of toddlers and preschoolers wanting to do something 'themselves' without an adult over prompting them. They can get very upset if a parent or teacher helps them a bit too much with dressing or writing or any other independent activity. It’s also worth looking at our own culture and how we tend to do so much for children, often at the expense of promoting their self-reliance as individuals.

Consider an average school morning where a child had a delayed start, resulting in the parent practically brushing his/her teeth, buttoning the uniform, tying shoes and feeding him/her breakfast in the car on the way to school. At school, the teacher grabs the child’s backpack and water bottle to put them away, quickly leads the child to a chair and rushes him/her through the morning’s independent writing activity with full hand-on-hand support. Most adults have dealt with one or more of these morning episodes, often several times over. Interspersed between these routines are outbursts from the children who are already rattled by a disrupted schedule, but also hassled by adults completing tasks they can do themselves! Imagine how much easier these morning sessions would be if they were planned to give children enough time to ease into their day independently, without someone rushing them through the motions?

While it can be said that tantrums are sometimes developmentally appropriate behaviour for young children, they should not be treated as acceptable behaviour, and should instead be managed using strategies in prevention and resolution. If there was a magic wand for eliminating tantrums, someone would have patented it and made millions by now. Not only is there no 'one size fits all' approach to dealing with tantrums, but there is also no strategy that will work every single time and ensure a 'tantrum-free' existence. This brings up the all important issue of what to do in the moment when you're on the receiving end of a tantrum from your child.

Some important points to remember when faced with a tantrum (irrespective of what the cause is) include keeping one's calm, keeping the child safe, removing the child from the situation if possible, not letting others' reactions influence how you respond to the tantrum, waiting out the tantrum until it stops before addressing it and paying attention to 'any' good behaviour that occurs during the tantrum (e.g. stopping screaming, stamping feet). These 'do's ' are generic to all tantrums, however, it is obviously important to consider how to respond based on specific situations.

When managing tantrums, it is crucial to make sure that there is no 'pay off' for the tantrum. Once you have figured out why the child is throwing a tantrum, choose the appropriate response to that situation. For e.g. if you feel the child is screaming to get your attention 'just because' (as opposed to because the child is hurt or unwell), ignore the tantrum and continue whatever you are doing as you don't want to reinforce the idea in the child's mind that screaming will get him/her attention. If the child is screaming because he/she doesn't want to stop playing and clean up, firmly insist that he/she does by saying “We are all done with toys now. Clean up please!” and physically help the child pick up one toy to communicate the instruction, if necessary. If a child is arching his/her back and refusing to move until you buy the action figure he/she wants, as a parent you should make sure you do not get the action figure, though you may be tempted to in order to evade embarrasment from the child’s defiant behaviour. Such situations also suggest preparing children for potentially challenging situations (“We are going to the toy store to buy a birthday present for Ayesha. No toy shopping for you today.”) and ‘making pacts’ for expected behaviour (“You will be helpful and pick out a present for Ayesha. You will not ask me to buy a toy for you.”).

Punishing a child in the moment by hitting or yelling at him/her can actually worsen the tantrum in the short term and make it persist in the long term. This is especially true in situations where children don’t know the appropriate replacement behaviour and needless to say, will not learn it through beating or shouting.

Regularity forms the cornerstone of effective management of tantrums. While there is no blanket strategy for addressing tantrums, there 'can' be a plan of action for how you will deal with tantrums depending on what the situation is. Consistent implementation of these plans once you have thought them through is likely to produce better behavioural outcomes, as children will also learn how unacceptable behaviour will be dealt with.

Needless to say, tantrums are a form of communication for children as they seek to indicate a desire or want through what they have often seen other children do to get their way. It is, therefore, only logical to respond with effective counter-communication. At the onset of a tantrum, indicate to the child that his/her behaviour is not acceptable, make sure you do not reinforce it and wait for him/her to settle down. As mentioned before, reward any sign of positive behaviour with attention and positive body language.

Once the child has settled, effective communication has two additional purposes: firstly, to teach the child alternatives to tantrums and secondly, to assure the child that during the tantrum, his/her behaviour was bad, not the child.

Tantrums must be addressed immediately so that the child fully understands what is being discussed and why. In teaching alternative behaviours, first describe the behaviour to the child "You felt upset and you threw a tantrum. You were banging your head on the floor, stamping your feet and shouting". Then, explain that those behaviours were not acceptable "Tantrums are not acceptable behaviour. We don't bang our head, stamp our feet and shout. This is not appropriate." Such language is highly recommended because it indicates to the child that his/her behaviour was disliked as opposed to phrases like “You’re a bad boy/girl!” which communicate that the child is not liked. Following this is the most crucial step in this line of communication -- providing the child with alternatives "I know you felt upset. When you feel upset, use your words and say ' I am upset'. Review this alternative by asking the child what he/she will do the next time he/she is upset. While it may take several repetitions of this discussion to produce a shift in behaviour, it is a healthy alternative for adults to utilize when responding to tantrums. Consider how difficult it is for adults to control their temper, and as a result, how much harder children find it to regulate their emotions and temper tantrums.