I am not a psychologist. Neither am I a teacher. I am not even a mother. But I was at a time in my life, a child. And I still am an older sister to much younger siblings. Suffice it to say that I have had to face and deal with issue of self-esteem – up, close and personal.

As children we function in two universes. One at home, around caring and doting family members; and the other at school, a more competitive and challenging playing field with more objective members such as teachers. There is a rich repertoire of observations and research done by experts which relates to the issue of times when children are over-indulged by parents and subjected to endless acknowledgement and praise. At many of these times parents are overly compensating children in an effort to not be the kind of ‘removed’ parents they had. Problem is, there is a fine line between praise that feeds the positive development in a child and that which may end up doing the opposite.

As parents and elders we tend to think that rewarding children with positive feedback on school work increases their interest in learning. But could we be damning them with the wrong kind of praise? Oftentimes children, who are praised as smart, special and talented at home, end up stumbling at school when faced with challenges that do not immediately reinforce the mantras they hear at home. They are also more likely to avoid tasks at which they may fail than children who are praised instead of their hard work. And they are more apt to lie and cheat later in life as a result of this. Psychologist Polly Young-Eisendrath calls it the self-esteem trap.

Recent research indicates that congratulating kids for working hard (rather than complimenting their innate ability) is the best way to enhance their self-development and self-esteem. Praise focused on achievements and talent raises a child’s own expectation of being exceptional and the pressure on oneself to be exceptional which creates restlessness and self-consciousness. And overly praised children do not outgrow these setbacks.

Furthermore, children’s ability must not be decided upon their test scores, as a child with a high Intelligence Quotient (IQ) level might not be able to perform well in a given test at times due to various external factors. The focus must be upon the child’s efforts i.e. the process rather than result must be kept in mind.

Psychologists blame the over–achievement syndrome faced by children today on the fact that the viewpoint of parenting has shifted from raising a citizen and a member of a family to being overly focused on the self. Certainly, this is an offshoot of the competitive, materialistic, and upwardly climbing society of today.

Adults need to be conscious of the words spoken to children and need to deliberately shun the notion of achievement versus the effort. They must try to ensure the kids that perfection is not expected of anyone at all. Labeling is something no child should either personally experience or be encouraged to do when referring to others. By labeling a child smart or talented, parents are in effect outsourcing his or her self-esteem. The more children are praised, the more they may be looking over their shoulder: 'Am I going to get praise?’ Do people think this is good?’ Worse still, it removes the activity from their own enjoyment and self-evaluation to someone else's.