After having a baby, many couples find themselves focusing all of their emotional energy on the baby. They have trouble remembering their life as a couple. As each partner focuses their attention on the baby and their own needs, you may drift apart. So, you both need to work at maintaining your own relationship as a couple. Sit down together and talk about what has changed in your lives. Share what is important to you now.
Take a few moments every day to actually touch and hold your partner. So often, new parents feel "touched out" from holding, rocking, burping, and changing a new baby. They forget that they need to be cuddled too. Just adding an extra hug a day can make a difference.
After having a baby, parents usually do not agree totally on how to raise a child. What it most important is that you do one of the following three things:
1. Decide you can each do something your way, and that it will not make a difference.
2. Decide that one of you has a better way for some things, and do things that way.
3. Find a third way to do something that is a compromise of what you each want to do.
For instance, you can each burp the baby in your own way. That will not make any difference. On the other hand, having a routine at bedtime often helps a baby sleep better. One of you may have found the right routine for your baby. Even though you like rocking the baby, your partner may have more luck patting the baby on the back and humming a song. You decide to do the patting routine and spend more time rocking at other times. When your toddler starts to throw temper tantrums, you may believe some sort of punishment works better. Your partner may think ignoring it works better. Your neighbor suggests using "time outs," which turns out to be a compromise. Remember that communication is very important in caring for your baby and yourselves, too!
Defining Parental Roles
Parental roles have historically been very clear and well defined. Typically, the mother stayed home with the children and the father worked to support the family financially. In the majority of households today, this is no longer the case. Nowadays, many mothers and fathers both work, and as a result, parental roles have become less clear. This can often result in conflict and increased stress. Couples and families can reduce stress by taking the time to discuss and agree upon roles, responsibilities, and schedules. Discussion should be ongoing, since roles will change as parental responsibilities change.
Women may feel especially tired and overburdened if they work outside the home. Men may feel added pressure to succeed financially. Conflicts often occur when women need companionship or help around the house and their husbands are spending long hours at work. Men often feel unappreciated and left-out when their spouses are spending so much time and attention on the new baby.
Tips for New Moms
Accept that you will probably feel overwhelmed by your new responsibilities. Most new mothers feel the same way.
At times you will probably feel unappreciated, resentful, envious, or even scared. Don't keep these feelings inside. Make time to talk calmly and openly with your partner about how you're feeling, and ask for help and emotional support.
Encourage your partner to help you care for your baby. Be supportive of his help, even when he doesn't do things the way you would like them done. Make it a point to thank him for helping and tell him how much this means to you.
Look for the humor in your new experiences—it will help make the rough times smoother.
Be sure that you and your partner schedule some regular time to be together each day, even if it is not much time.
Tips for New Fathers
Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. She needs to know what you're feeling and how she can help. At the same time, she needs your support. If you want to talk, try to schedule it at a time when your partner is not overwhelmed and exhausted (such as after being up all night with a crying baby). It may be best to schedule time to talk when the baby has gone to bed, or when someone else is watching the baby. If you are feeling frustrated and stressed, talk about your feelings instead of blaming or criticizing your partner.
If you're worried about finances and feel the need to work longer and harder at your job, communicate this to your partner. Otherwise, she may think that you are trying to escape from the additional responsibilities that come from caring for a new baby.
It's normal to feel a bit awkward handling your new baby. However, the more you participate in caring for your baby, the easier it will get and the more comfortable you will feel.
Look for opportunities to help out. Holding and cuddling your new baby will help establish an important bond. Help your partner with diaper changing and bottle-feeding, and be supportive and encouraging if your partner decides to breastfeed.
If your spouse has been trying to comfort a crying baby for a while, offer to hold and comfort the baby yourself, or help with some of the other chores to ease your partner's burden. Keep in mind that your partner may be feeling exhausted and unappreciated, especially during the first three months. Find opportunities to relieve her burdens and be sure to show your appreciation.
